As I write this, I have my Plentyoffish.com account up. Yes, I hang my head in shame: I am using Plenty of Fish. I check it just about every other day -- that’s if I remember to check it. Recently, no one has written to me. Sure, when I first opened it back in November, I had a few takers. One I texted back and forth for a few days, the other one I chatted on Aim for a few weeks, with nothing lasting beyond that. I know of people who were able to get dates like crazy, and called this website a glorified booty call.
When I signed up, it was a spur-of-the-moment thing. It was before Thanksgiving, I was hanging out with one of my friends, and lo and behold, I had an account. I always said I would never have an account with any dating website. I laughed at people who signed up on them. I rationalized my account, though: I will do this as a trial run; if I get enough action on this but no real takers, then I actually might pay for Eharmony or the like.
As time went on, I got the typical “You’re like a goddess who fell from heaven” messages (this was actually a line from one of them). I also got the typical nothing past a “Hi, how are you,” or a message so grammatically incorrect, I couldn’t read it. I sent my fair share of messages to guys I thought seemed decent enough, but only one guy responded.
I found a co-worker, an ex, someone I used to attend church with, someone from high school, and one of my friends all on the site. It almost seemed like the Facebook of the dating world.
So far, my trial has been a bust.
I changed my profile a few times, and I’ve been trying to keep it short. I state the stuff I like, which includes but is not limited to knitting, sewing, and Phillies games. I give a somewhat general idea of the music I like (stating that: The Beatles are my favorite, and I once saw Yanni in concert. I’m not a big fan of rap or country.). But maybe this is the clincher which is keeping the guys away: I state what I would like in a guy.
Okay, seems harsh to say, right? This is what is stated: Some good Christian guy, who also believes that chivalry is not dead. I would also like a guy who is involved with their church and ministry and also plays guitar. Is it really a turn-off to know what type of guy I would want? I'm not picky as to looks or material things.
Do I hear you groaning in embarrassment for me? I mean, I am actively involved in my church, helping with several different ministries there, and I travel about 35 minutes each way to get there (even though there are churches within a 5-minute radius of where I live). Is it a problem to be that picky as to a guy that I would want? Or should I not put it out there like that?
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I appreciate the honesty of this blog. I would say, however, that I disagree with you putting, "what you're looking for in a guy..." so specifically. It makes us feel that we have to fit a certain mold. It's not so much superficial as it is misunderstood. Although I see the practicality of internet dating, I wouldn't want to say I met your mother anywhere that ends in dot com.
ReplyDeleteI think that is what's wrong with internet dating sites. It leaves no room for the magic of chemistry when you meet someone for the first time you fall in love with or could fall in love with. Maybe they'll be exactly like you thought they'd be, or maybe you find yourself attracted to someone totally different.
Internet dating is too dictated by your "wants," turn-on/turn offs, and other criteria which ultimately make the "date" a chance to get to know each other, as opposed to an interview where your both wondering how you size up to their qualifications. If you say you're a fan of chivalry, than wouldn't you want an old fashioned kind of guy, who sees you out somewhere and approaches you for a date when your least expecting it?
Sure the internet is good for matching up employees with employers, but it removes all the mystery that is so great about love.
correction ** Internet dating is too dictated by your "wants," turn-on/turn offs, and other criteria which ultimately make the "date" an interview where your both sizing each other up, as opposed to a chance to just sit down and start from scratch together.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your input. I never really realized my "wants" in a guy made them feel boxed in. I do agree with you that the whole online dating thing takes all the romance and mystery out of dating. By the time you figured out your first date, you have already talked with them for X amount of time via the internet, and what's left for the date? To see if you click? That's not fun. Plus, isn't that the stuff you want to to talk about on the date and after? Honestly, I don't want to look down the road and say how me and so and so met online. I would want something more fun, like I met someone in while seeing some random movie at midnight or something.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous makes some good points. I don't think it's the method or process that's at fault, though, so much as how people might approach it. If you're so focused on "what the other person must have" or "the one or two things that would be a deal-breaker," then you're less likely to enter a date with an open mind and heart -- and thus make poor decisions. But people can make that same mistake in an old-fashioned arranged date or chance meeting, or any other approach, as well.
ReplyDeleteIn other words, it's all about attitude. Someone who meets all the criteria on your ideal list could still turn out to be the wrong choice; someone who has a few traits or faults you are convinced are totally unacceptable could be the love (and partner) of your life.
On the other hand, heaven knows we've all made (and will continue to make) poor choices based on romantic chimes and "the magic of chemistry." Often, we don't really know what's best for ourselves; what we want is not necessarily what we need or what would be good for us.
Ultimately, there's no way of knowing except by jumping in and bringing your best judgment and instincts to the table. My parents told me it's always good to have a list in mind -- even written down in your wallet or purse -- but to be ready to throw it out if someone comes along who just feels right. I suspect they were both not what the other thought he or she was looking for (he was a 6'3" Norwegian from Alaska, she a 5'0" Japanese-American), but they were married 38 years until his death.