Pesky Souvenirs - David Loftus

Is it possible to fly in a plane anymore without getting sick? Three nights ago, I got home from a two-week vacation and sure enough, just like clockwork, this morning I started to sneeze and sniffle. I’m coming down with a cold . . . the way I have almost every other time I’ve left for or returned from a vacation.

Since I’m not a business traveler, the only time I fly is for a vacation. In recent years, the largest portions of our time away have been spent on ocean liners. My wife lobbied for one a few years ago, and we found it was a most relaxing and civilized way to travel. You get to the ship, unpack, and then don’t have to pack and unpack again -- bouncing from one hotel to the next -- for the rest of the trip. Other folks make and serve your meals, and there’s plenty of food and no need to worry about driving, catching a taxi, or otherwise getting to and from the restaurant. (Drink up!) You go to sleep, and every morning you wake up someplace new. If you cross time zones, it happens at a leisurely enough pace that you don’t suffer jet lag.

Unfortunately, to get to where you can catch your ocean liner, you often have to fly. And that’s when you’re reminded how unpleasant air travel has become: cramped, no decent meals (when there are any, instead of a crummy packet of pretzels or nuts), getting charged extra for everything from an extra piece of luggage to a pillow or headphones. The only thing you get for free is germs. Airplanes are fabulous incubators for every wee beastie that other passengers bring on and cough out. During our trip to Estonia, my wife caught a cold that crawled up into her ear on the way home and required antibiotics. (“Looks like stewed tomatoes in there!” her doctor commented while examining her auditory canal.) One or both of us contracted colds on subsequent flights to or from Washington D.C., Greece, and London.

Over time, I grew increasingly suspicious of the whole situation. I became more and more like Howard Hughes: washing my hands frequently, taking a small bottle of disinfectant on the plane with me, avoiding the airplane restrooms if I possibly could. For a transatlantic flight, I packed surgical gloves and mask, but was too embarrassed to actually take them out and use them in front of other passengers. I don't blame other fliers for bringing germs aboard with them; I wouldn't want to sacrifice the cost of a plane ticket these days out of consideration for others, just because I had a cold or light case of the 'flu. But there you go.

It’s gotten so dependably bad that if an airline actually advertised that it disinfected its planes between each flight, I imagine potential passengers would fight to get on those jets. But the expenditure of labor and time would probably not be cost effective for the carriers, I’m afraid. Their bottom line holds steady only if their schedules allow just enough time to unload and reload passengers and baggage while fueling up and getting right back into the air. In the end, we’re all just cargo -- humans, luggage, and lots and lots of germs.