It’s been pretty somber around here, so I figured it’s time to supply a laugh. Starting in 2015, I systematically collected up all the puns and other wordplay that flowed across my Facebook wall. At the end of each year, I put together the past 12 months of same and uploaded onto this blog.
If you haven’t seen them — or if you can’t remember them, and I could hardly blame you if you can’t — the past six years’ annual rundowns are here:
Before that, I was certainly active on Facebook, going back to 2009 or ’08, but I wasn’t actively storing up whatever flowed out of my fingers. With the historic “Memories” function on Facebook, I’ve been able to pull up a smattering from those early years.
2010
Jan. 12: I wonder, if a guy develops a carcinoma in his C-3, C-4, or C-5 vertebra, could he be said to have contracted cervical cancer?
Jan. 20: Over the past few days, I’ve drunk multiple cups of Throat Coat, Jasmine Green, Red Lavender, Good Earth Vanilla Chai, and homemade ginger brews. You might say I’ve been getting tea’d off.
March 7: I wonder whether a situation in which two strangers establish rapport by picking on a third party might be termed a “dis connect.”
Dec. 10: I sometimes think I would have been happier living the life of a farmer . . . that is, by the grace of the Fodder, and of the Sun, and of the Homemade Spirits.
Dec. 23: I’m glad we used tofu in tonight’s batch of stir fry; wouldn’t want run the risk of a tempeh tantrum.
Dec. 30: I have to admit to prejudice against people who have no feet. That’s right: I’m lack-toes intolerant.
Dec. 31, 2010: I considered going to a strip club for New Year’s Eve, but I was afraid they’d have a no-cover charge.
2011
March 9: As we actors and models walked to the aerial transport from South Waterfront this morning to ride up to the hospitals on Pill Hill for the shoot — some of us in scrubs, some in white lab coats — I remarked, “If we’re appropriately dressed to make this trip, but we don’t actually work at here, does that mean we’re all trams-vestites?”
March 17: There’s a news story at the bottom of the front page of the “How We Live” section of today’s Oregonian about a man who’s a master at making lace doilies . . . sort of a tatter tale.
Apr. 29: After encountering the term “Nook e-reader” this week, I couldn’t avoid a suspicion that this was another example of obscene slang that its creators wanted to sneak into the mouths of Mr. and Mrs. Middle America . . . like “Beaver Cleaver” more than 60 years ago.
May 6: And God said, “The Earth is a great iniquity, and I will do away with it once more. But this time I shall drown it in a salsa of my own special recipe. And I shall call it Pico de Gaia.”
June 8: At the book group meeting, Tim was talking about how much he liked the way Rohinton Mistry’s A Fine Balance always goes into the parentage and grandparents of each character for pages, and wondered if that’s “an Indian thing.” Of course, I commented; it’s what’s known as a caste list.
Aug. 3: Just saw a woman riding on the Portland Streetcar with her Singer machine on the seat next to her. Guess she’s just a lucky sew-and-sew. . . .
Aug. 30: Whenever somebody tries to foist something off on me that they call “pre-owned,” I just feel used.
Sept. 5: Several members of the cowboy chorus in our production of “Annie Get Your Gun” wear leather leggings that reach nearly from their ankles to their waist. I worry about them developing chapped hips.
Sept. 30: I respect citizens who keep the grass in their yard healthy and growing by observing dew process of lawn.
Nov. 11: Just heard Steve Dunn in the studio of KATU channel 2 refer on the 11 o’clock news to Kelley Day in the field near the Occupy Portland camp as “my co-anchor,” which sounded like “co-wanker.” That sounds about right.
Dec. 28: Is it possible that Shakespeare suffered from Bard breath? And that he composed Henry V under the influence of Hal-itosis?
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