Jan. 10: Because of the snow storm, I knew the 11 o’clock news would be hugely entertaining tonight, so I turned on the teev and switched back and forth between the three network stations to catch dramatic video and reporters tripping over their English.
The award for best mangled prose of the night goes to Mary Loos, KATU meteorologist, who said she had only seen “thundersnow” once before in her career, when she worked in Boise, which was, quote, “almost, in a higher elevation, in a way . . . ”
She probably wanted to be careful to let us know she hadn’t yet verified the facts with her sources.
Feb. 15: Oh my god. This is one of the greatest typos ever: “is a violinist with the New York Reparatory Orchestra . . . ”
But can they ever really, adequately make up for all the symphonic crimes of the past?
(Maybe it was the inadvertent result of a Strauss fracture?)
Feb. 17: She “assists by maintaining sterility throughout the office and assisting with patients’ care . . . ”
Boy, I wouldn’t let her anywhere near me.
Feb. 18: Also, I caught a splash quote at the end of a trailer for “Youth in Oregon,” the new Frank Langella dramedy about an elder guy who wants to travel to our state to make use of legalized euthanasia (didn’t catch the source) with an amusing grammatical slip: “each character resonates long after leaving the cinema . . .”
Really? All the characters walk out of the theater after the screening? Where do they go?
Really? All the characters walk out of the theater after the screening? Where do they go?
Feb. 24: “We have four dogs, 2 yorkie-poos and 2 shiatsus.”
Now there’s an unusual mixed breed.
March 2: Next to the entrance to the Bee Cleaners, Starbucks, Café Umbria, and Zupan’s on SW Vista, just off Burnside, the words
No Pan
Handling
are painted on the sidewalk, in just this manner.
I guess that means if they see anybody carrying a skillet in that parking lot, they call security.
March 17: I had to laugh. Laural Porter just delivered a report on the KGW 11 o’clock news report about a substantial landslide along Burnside near “Mt. Cavalry” Cemetery.
Usually people commit the mispronunciation in the opposite direction. Maybe she was feeling a little horse.
March 31: “In my free time, I enjoy family, boasting, painting, and the great outdoors.”
Whatever flaunts your boast.
May 11: “By making sure you brush and floss carefully every day, you can prevent stains and cavities from developing overtime.”
They occasionally work long hours, do they?
May 24: “The city was originally named after one of its original founders . . . ”
You mean, as opposed to all the other names it received thereafter, as well as all the many other people who founded it after the first guy?
June 24: From a report on my newsfeed about flooding in Mississippi attributed to Tropical Storm Cindy: “Swollen by heavy rains and flowing quickly, the Chickasawhay River was out of its banks near the southeastern Mississippi town of Leakesville . . . ”
Sometimes I don’t know how AP reporters and editors can type stuff with a straight face.
July 29: While stuck in traffic in downtown Seattle, we found ourselves following a large delivery truck with the company name/logo HiTouch Office Services.
Unfortunately, the first thing I saw was the URL for the company website: hitouchservices.com.
“Hit ouch services? Must be an S&M firm,” I commented.
Aug. 3: “I had braces as a child and was retreated as an adult . . . ”
Huh? The authorities sent you to the boonies for a time out?
Aug. 8: “But when it really comes down to brass tax . . . ”
Yeah, I’ve heard that can be truly deadly.
Aug. 9: “I married my high school sweatheart . . . ”
You might want to take your spell-check in for a tuneup. (On the other hand, maybe that’s precisely what she meant . . .)
Aug. 23: From the AP wire: “A white nationalist who says he used pepper spray on a counter demonstrator in self-defense during a protest at the University of Virginia says he will turn himself into authorities.”
Wow, that’s a neat trick. Does he get a badge too?
Wow, that’s a neat trick. Does he get a badge too?
Aug. 28: “They . . . always look super exited to see me.”
They whip out the door that fast when they see you coming, do they?
Sept. 9: Overheard at the PSU farmers market: “Do you want to try this artesian cheese?”
Sept. 12: “Wrap the ends of the floss around your pointer fingers of both hands, leaving a few inches of taught floss between them.”
Can it be self-taught, or do you require that it possess a degree from a certified institution?
Sept. 22: This morning my email box contained a post whose subject header promised I could “Chat with 20000 Russian and Ukrainian Beauties.”
Okay, but will they wait their turn when I want to speak?
Oct. 11: I keep getting spam emails with the subject header “Revolutionary New Kitty Litter!!”
But is it armed and supportive of the Second Amendment, I wonder . . . as I delete it without opening.
Oct. 12: A testimonial assured prospective patients that, in discussing potential treatments and outcomes, the doctor “holds no punches . . . ”
Well, I would hope not. How would he be able to handle the medical instruments otherwise? I hope he has the consideration to offer some punch to his patients, though. And that it’s sugar-free.
Oct. 17: My spam email today included an offer, according to the header, of “Free psychic reading!”
Sorry, not interested. Now, a reading by an imprisoned psychic . . . that, I might pay to hear.
Oct. 17: “A huge trend in wedding deserts is extravagant cake tables . . . ”
I don’t understand. You mean, because it’s hot and dry, or because that’s what the couple thinks they are entitled to?
Oct. 19: “[To protect your business in case of divorce,] Remove the ‘sole proprietorship’ title from your business as soon as you can. In most sole proprietorships, the owner’s personal finances and interests are inexplicably linked . . . ”
Yeah. No one knows why that happens. Makes it so much harder to EXTRICATE your business intact.
Oct. 20: Among the slides that screened before the trailers at Cinema 21 yesterday was an ad for a novel titled Etiquette for an Apocalypse by Anne Model, “ask for it at your local bookseller.”
The main ad tag read:
“If the world was coming to an end in minutes
Who would you call?”
Who would you call?”
Evidently not a grammarian.
Oct. 24: I see the marquee on the Fireside Restaurant on NW 23rd and Johnson is advertising “tumeric” ginger tea; is there any chance it might give you tumers?
Nov. 2: “_____ has four grown children and two small dogs who have the run of the house.”
But are her kids housebroken?
Nov. 5: So I looked closely at the Starbucks holiday cups and saw the following note at the bottom:
“This cup is made with 10% post-consumer recycled fiber.”
Now, I know the prefix “post-“ can mean “behind,” “after,” or “posterior to” . . . so I think it’s terrific that Starbucks is recycling fiber that was processed and expelled by consumers. In a sense, customers are “giving back,” aren’t they?
This might even drive up sales of whole-grain foods and nuts!
Nov. 13: I have to laugh when people misspell the name of their beloved canine’s breed.
Brittany dogs derived their breed title from a region of northwest France, not from a pop singer known for the single “Oops! ... I Did It Again” . . .
Nov. 20: “As you know, sound is just a series of vibrations interpreted by our eras and brain.”
Were societies utterly silent in ancient Egyptian times or the Middle Ages?
Dec. 22: Adventures in proofreading: “Along with taking her Beagles for walks, quilting, and crocheting . . . ”
Wow, those sound like really talented dogs!
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