It has been said that humor is one of the essential traits of a successful marriage. Carole and I have been attempting this approach for more than 26 years of wedded blitz — er, bliss.
Below are some examples from last year. . . .
Below are some examples from last year. . . .
Jan. 10: Me [handing her the Elmore Leonard novel we’ve almost finished reading aloud over dinners the past few weeks]: Let’s go back readin’ about people who are worse off and dumber than we are.
Carole: I thought we weren’t going to discuss the president any more.
Feb. 4: [While dining out this evening. . . .]
C: That woman [at the next table] kept up a running monologue the entire time, and her husband hardly said a thing. When he left to go to the bathroom, she immediately started texting.
D: She’s so full of verbiage, she has to get it all out. Flense herself.
D: She’s so full of verbiage, she has to get it all out. Flense herself.
C: He’s probably committing suicide in the bathroom.
D: No, he’s basking in the blissful silence. Wondering how long he can draw it out.
Carole observed, “It is true that you can get a lot more house for your money if you live in a place that you don’t want to live in.”
After a suitable pause, I asked, “Yeah! Why is that?”
After a suitable pause, I asked, “Yeah! Why is that?”
Feb. 12: ER Nurse: Can you verify your name and date of birth?
C: Carole Barkley, April __, 19__.
D: Who are you, and what have you done with my wife?!”
C: David!
Feb. 12: As I was driving Carole home from the hospital, we found ourselves stopped at a light behind a car with Arkansas license plates.
I pointed out the legend at the bottom — The Natural State — and asked, “What the hell does that mean? Everybody walks around with no clothes on?”
“Well,” Carole replied, “it IS Arkansas.”
I pointed out the legend at the bottom — The Natural State — and asked, “What the hell does that mean? Everybody walks around with no clothes on?”
“Well,” Carole replied, “it IS Arkansas.”
D: I’ll have a drip coffee and [pointing] that cake.
C: I’ll have a berry Danish.
D: How Danish is it?
C: [swiftly] BERRY!
C: [swiftly] BERRY!
D: Ba-dum bum.
I’ve trained her well.
March 16: [We’re tasting a Mediterranean dish called Shakshuka that contains potatoes, sweet peppers, onion, crushed tomatoes, chickpeas, garlic, diced jalapeño, and a Spanish spice blend of smoked paprika, cumin, coriander, Mexican oregano, cayenne, and cinnamon — from a Blue Apron kit.]
D: Wow, this is great! Even the chickpeas taste good!
C: Chickpeas have no taste.
D: Yeah, they do. They taste like damp chalk.
March 24: C: HAH! I think my horoscope today is hilarious. “In the week ahead you may learn that a partner is a financial genius.” Is there something you’re not telling me?
D: Is there someone you’re not telling me about?
March 27: C: You know I’ve been reading this book about how to reduce stress. Now, I’ve been doing the budget—
D: —you’re laying me off?
The police should not be who responds to this kind of situation, she went on, because their only solutions are to arrest or shoot. Eugene responds to these kinds of calls with a crisis team that consists of a medic and a social worker. Portland ought to do the same.
C: It’s gotten to the point where we have the second-highest homeless in the U.S.
C: It’s gotten to the point where we have the second-highest homeless in the U.S.
D: We’re just not importing enough of ’em. We could BE number one!
May 5: Barista: Want the muffin and the scone on the same plate?
D: Sure. I’m mixed race, myself.
May 23: C: I have another author for the next Elder Law section newsletter. He’s going to write about estate planning for second marriages.
D: Oh, that’s a big subject . . . as long as he doesn’t write about third marriages.
[I’m Carole’s third husband.]
[I’m Carole’s third husband.]
May 28: C [registering the background music on the coffee-shop sound system]: I see we have another record of a moaning female. To me, they’re all interchangeable.
D: Well, that’s good! You only have to buy one.
C: I’m not going to buy any!
D: It’s an insidious plot to get men into the kitchen.
June 6: Dinner conversation. . . .
C: I read there’s a male contraceptive pill on the market now.
C: I read there’s a male contraceptive pill on the market now.
D: Should I pick some up?
C: I don’t think we need to worry about that . . . unless you’re up to something I don’t know about. We can’t afford to support any bastard children.
D: I’ll just dump ’em as soon as they get pregnant.
C: It’s not as easy as that these days.
June 19: C: It’s nice to know women can be as big an asshole as men.
D: What’s nice about that?
C: It means we’ve achieved equality.
Aug. 10: Carole read a story in the Thursday’s Wall Street Journal that says so far this year, 26 children have died of “pediatric vehicular heatstroke” (53 total last year), with six in just the last two weeks.
C: Most of the time it’s the father who’s taking the kid somewhere for once and forgets the child is in the car.
D: Way to provide for the family, guy. It’s the corporate cost-cutting model: lay off extra staff to maintain solvency.
Aug. 29: While we were enjoying our two-hour dinner at Papa Haydn for our anniversary Tuesday evening, a young mother with her family at a nearby table kept rising and walking with her infant daughter up and down the restaurant aisle, and sometimes out to the sidewalk out front.
Carole made some sort of wondering comment about it, and I said: “It’s the perp walk — I mean, the fashion runway.”
Aug. 30: C: Did you see where the President was proposing to try to stop the hurricane with an atomic bomb?
D: Hm-mm.
C: My god! It would blow nuclear fallout over half the country—
D: —and most of his voting base.
C: Hmmmm….
Sept. 29: Dinner table conversation.
C: How can anyone with half a brain defend [The Incumbent]?
D: Apparently there are people out there with half a brain.
Oct. 1: Over dinner, Carole told me about an episode of “Law and Order” she watched while working out on the treadmill at the gym. It concerned a murder-rape case in which the court parties were trying to establish whether the accused was mentally disabled to the extent where he could not be held responsible for his actions.
C: He confessed to the rape in such a way that they suspected he was copying a situation he’d seen in pornography. When they went to arrest him, his apartment was lined with walls of books. A psychiatrist testified that sometimes mentally underdeveloped individuals will go to great lengths to hide the fact, like carrying a book and pretending to read it in public.
C: He confessed to the rape in such a way that they suspected he was copying a situation he’d seen in pornography. When they went to arrest him, his apartment was lined with walls of books. A psychiatrist testified that sometimes mentally underdeveloped individuals will go to great lengths to hide the fact, like carrying a book and pretending to read it in public.
D: It’s worked for me.
Oct. 9: C: Subaru has a whole family of Barkleys.
D: Any relation?
C: They’re Golden Retrievers.
D: Oh, then they must be Cousin Charles’s branch of the family.
D: Are power tools traditional?
C: Yeah. Moses carried them across the desert. The power cord was the challenge.
C: Yeah. Moses carried them across the desert. The power cord was the challenge.
Oct. 27: C: [eyes a photo of Pence on the cover of Vision Times in a newspaper dispenser]: I don’t think he’s a real person . . . I think he’s a Disney animatronic.
Oct. 29: Host at Backwoods Brewing as we arrived: “Would you prefer to be seated at the bar or at a table?”
I looked at Carole for confirmation as I said, “I think we prefer a table, don’t we?” Then I looked back at the host and explained: “We actually don’t mind looking at each other.”
I looked at Carole for confirmation as I said, “I think we prefer a table, don’t we?” Then I looked back at the host and explained: “We actually don’t mind looking at each other.”
Nov. 15: C: Is Rudy Giuliani traveling around the world on public money? I’d like to get a job going around the world poking my nose in other countries’ business.
D: You have to do a powerful and constant amount of ass kissing to get that kind of job. That’s the cost.
Nov. 25: C: This was a really good article about the new corporate tax [in Oregon]. Basically, we don’t have to worry about it, ’cause our sales are under a million dollars.
D: Oh. Maybe next year.
Nov. 26: C: One of the things I like about farro is it cooks faster. Only takes 20 minutes. Brown rice takes 40.
D: It’s that easygoing Buddhist outlook of brown rice. Time has no meaning.
Dec. 14: As we passed Goorin Bros. hat shop on NW 23rd I looked in the window and—
D: Wow, a pink hat. For guys!
C: Comes with a Cadillac and a couple of floozies.
D: Wow, a pink hat. For guys!
C: Comes with a Cadillac and a couple of floozies.
D: I’ll take the floozies; hold the Cadillac.
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