And Now For Something Completely Irreverent: Loftus puns and wordplay, 2015 edition

2015 was a pretty good year for original puns and wordplay. Here's a list of the best I reported on my Facebook page….

Jan. 10: He shipped out on a whaler that boasted a four-seater latrine. They called it the Pequod.

Feb. 27: It was a dogwood, a very sick dogwood. And sadly, its bark was worse than its blight.

Feb. 27: Every time my bladder fills, I suffer the effects of peer pressure.

March 18: It was as if the building was cursed. Renters kept expiring on the premises. Simply put, the address had suicidal tenancies.

March 31: Having cleverly disguised himself as an ermine wrap, Jethro headed up the road a fur piece.

May 22: We support the Thirst Amendment right to freedom of espresso.

June 17: The idea of acting in a stage production on cocaine was highly appealing to him, but he kept forgetting his lines.

July 10: Under questioning, the suspect claimed he had assaulted the woman because the sight of her made his heart stop.

So he was charged with a myocardial infraction.

Aug. 11: The farmer always made sure he called in every individual hog on the spread.
You might say he was sooey generous.

Sept. 19: The spouse of the late Mr. Johnson was constantly affronted by events after his death. She had a widow's pique.

Oct. 8: I've been thinking about doing a play set in the Inca ruins in the highlands of Peru. The hero would be a Japanese cartoon creature -- yellow and cute, but with an assertive, masculine character.

He would be known as . . . Macho Pikachu.

Oct. 24: I thought the conference on herbal cuisine would be interesting, but it turned out to be just a bunch of chive talkin'.

Nov. 4: When Hendrix was in London, very shortly before he died, a Scottish impresario approached him about the potential for an outdoor concert tour up north, especially with lake and ocean inlet settings.

You see, he was hoping to Jimi the lochs.

Nov. 27: Despite the festive Christmas lights and the tree, the place was swarming with cops.

It was looking like we were destined for a Police Navidad.

Dec. 8: For this holiday season, I need only a gnarled pine log and some metamorphic rock.

Then I can assert I've been knotty and gneiss.

Dec. 24: It was a challenge for "working girls" who serviced the mines and logging camps in the mountains to find opportunities to bathe regularly, especially in the winter. So Jedediah had the bright entrepreneurial idea of rigging up a sled on runners with an enclosed wash tub on top that could be drawn over the snow by a team of reindeer. Of course it could accommodate only one girl at a time.

So it was a one-whore soapin' sleigh.