Celebrating My Beloved Wife, Carole Barkley

Yesterday (Monday, April 24, as I write this), was Carole’s birthday. It did not start out auspiciously: We were scheduled to meet with her oncologist first thing in the morning to go over the results of an MRI last week (her third in seven months) and probably undergo her tenth round of chemo for breast cancer.

But her oncologist came in to tell us the tumors had shrunk so much that they no longer show up on the MRI. Her recommendation was to continue with two more rounds of chemo, including that day’s, and consult with a surgeon about two remaining lumps that were likely nonmalignant cysts.

Dr. Rebecca Orwoll actually sang the good news to us to the tune of “Happy Birthday” and my eyes filled with tears. So after the chemo, we went to see a feel-good movie (“Going In Style,” a stylish piece of comedy-caper fluff with delightful performances by Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, and Alan Arkin, and nice supporting turns by Ann-Margret and Matt Dillon).

In celebration of the happy news, a selection of recent verbal snapshots from a fun marriage:

Oct. 8, 2016

Carole: Wow, did you plan that?

David: No.

Carole: And here I thought you were in charge.

David: I AM in charge! I’m just not organized.

Sept. 13, 2016

Carole said she had signed up for a course on the prophets of the Hebrew Bible: Jeremiah, Micah, and the rest.

I remarked, “I thought Reform Judaism was a non-prophet organization.”

I don’t know which I enjoyed more: the initial blank look . . . or the snarl that followed.

Aug. 17, 2016

What’s the Scoop ice cream cashier: Are you together?

David: Well, for now. We're taking it slow . . . seeing how it plays out.

Carole: It’s only been 23 years.

Cashier: You'll have to tell me your secret.

Carole: Poverty.

July 30, 2016

Exchange as we walked out of a late dinner at The Growler Guys. . . .

David: They’re playing “Honky Tonk Women” after “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” and Pink Floyd’s “Money.” Nice set.

Carole: There was music?

David: Yeah, they had it turned fairly low, so you had to know the tunes to recognize ’em.

Carole: I grew up in a large family, so I learned to screen out a lot.

David: The only thing I’ve learned to screen out is you.

Carole: I’ve noticed that.

March 13, 2016

A conversation at the farmers market this morning:

Carole: Oh, darn, I still have two pears I haven't eaten.

David: So that's four, right?

Carole: Why don't you wait over there and maybe I'll come back for you when I'm finished?

Feb. 3, 2016

Carole: “Your birthday’s the day after Easter this year. Easter’s in March, for some reason.”

David: “Well, I AM the Chosen One.”

Carole: “[Snort!] No, you’re NOT!”

Sept. 11, 2015

Carole: I have these bruises all over my thigh.
David: That was me, probably.
Carole: No, I must have run into something.
David: That’s nice that you’re going with that cover story.

Carole: I’ve been doing that for years.

David: Secrets of a solid marriage.

Aug. 23, 2015

David: “Every time I see the McDonald's flag, I think of the People’s Republic of China." [since both flags are bright red with bits of yellow)

Carole: “They have the same labor policies.”

July 21, 2015:

Carole and I were discussing the general panhandler and street vagrant problem [less than two months before we moved out of downtown, it turns out]:

Carole: It’s gotten to the point where I want to go out with a pitchfork and torch.

David: But after you’ve gone after the City Council, then what?

Apr. 28, 2015

Carole: Let’s move to Lake Oswego; there are no bums down there.

David: Sure there are . . . they play for the Blazers.

Sept. 14, 2014

Carole spills some riesling while pouring wine for dinner.

David: I think you’ve had enough.

Carole: I haven’t had any!

David: I think you’ve had enough.

Aug. 19, 2014
Carole got me some black shorts at Goodwill this morning -- smart-looking and seemed utterly new -- but I found a five-dollar bill in the pocket, so somebody must have worn them before. Brought down the discount price even further!

The bill was folded in quarters, so I don’t think the previous owner was doing blow.

Carole says, “Somewhere, there’s a guy telling his wife, ‘Hey, what happened to those shorts? I had five bucks in ’em!’ ”